Photographs

Photographs.

To trace the way I have felt towards photographs is a gradual realization that I've changed over the years.

When I was young, I hated being in photos and in all honesty, still don't really like being in photos. Trawling through pictures of my younger self, I couldn't help but wonder what I was being surly about in every scowl I presented.

I even remember proudly declaring once that photos were for those with a lousy memory - Ah, the arrogrance of youth. I was definitely too young then, perhaps with too little of note to hold on to. For what have the young to worry about? A favourite book, beloved parents and some toys constituted my whole world. I think I failed to comprehend back then how many special memories I would gather through life and how my memory would fail me, not by forgetting incidents but by smudging up the details.

What I've gained since then is a healthy respect for photos. Loss will do that to you, I think. Losing loved ones and realising with time, that no matter how hard you hold on to their memory, they start growing fuzzy around the edges, losing definition over time. The feelings? They don't change, they remain steadfast but the mind starts losing the image of the ones we've lost in life. Photos change that. They help us hold on to an image of all we've loved. Does that prevent me from moving on in life? Perhaps, but then there are some things I don't want to move on from - completely.

I'm still not in love with the idea of being in a photo but I've come to understand the purpose they can serve in our lives. It probably stems from my need to hold on to the past, to hold on to pieces of my children as they were growing up. I am still enjoying their growth but I can forsee a time when photos will be the triggers for me to relive memories of them growing up with me.

Imagine how dense I must be that it has taken so long to realize something so simple.

Ironically, I love being behind the lens, the framing of the shot, the wait and then the capture of a moment. Now that's a beautiful thing.